


3am moods of mine

by danielussy



Category: No Fandom, random - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-07-05 21:56:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15872496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danielussy/pseuds/danielussy
Summary: a compilation of trash.short baseless poems/stories i write when i'm kinda sorta high.i write these rhymes without hitting the backspace key.talk to me on twitter: @danielussy





	1. flowers at the end of the day

flowers at the end of the day  
"they're all i need"  
i've heard you say  
"from someone special,  
someone who cares."  
but darling  
it's not fair  
my roses lie at your doorstep  
they're dying a death of their own  
and while you complain  
about not finding true love  
they wither and cry in the harsh cold blow  
"some petunias would be nice"  
you sip on your pumpkin spice  
then suddenly our eyes meet  
our memories flash before your eyes  
your thoughts crash  
and then you say  
"nevermind, men are trash."


	2. wrong

it is a matter of fact  
that opposites attract  
a social construct  
supported by all of us

a girl and a boy love each other  
just like a father and a mother  
it is what is _right_ in  
the world i live in

but when i see her  
the red rushes to my cheeks  
this tingly feeling in my belly,  
gets stronger  
then i remember what's _right_  
and start feeling bleak

i see it happen everywhere  
the teasing and the bullying  
the whispers and the stares  
i cannot tell anyone this secret of mine  
i know it's not a "phase"  
because i've felt it since i was nine

and i'm _wrong_  
so, so _wrong_  
but i cannot help it  
this feeling,  
deep in my stomach's pit

my hands are numb and cold  
and one day i'll die sad and old  
so have no regrets  
and go ahead and confess  
or you'll end up like me  
a self- depreciating poetess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my bi-curious ass is quaking


	3. a cup of coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which i basically blabber about how much i love coffee

a cup of coffee  
that's what you are to me  
bitter or sweet  
you're always such a treat

a cup of coffee   
to get me through the day  
i'm addicted to you  
i cannot keep you away

a cup of coffee  
baby i'm intoxicated  
by your love i am bound  
only you can make me feel  
so safe and sound

a cup of coffee  
your scleras, white as milk   
bring out the brown in your eyes  
anyone can get lost in them  
and he can't get out   
no matter how much he tries

a cup of coffee  
i'm wasted  
for me, you're always there   
i don't know what i'd do without you  
i'd probably pull out all my hair 

a cup of coffee  
i'd never get tired of you  
you're so wholesome and pure  
i'll always be yours

a cup of coffee  
who am i kidding?  
just one cup?  
go ahead and  
pour out the whole thing, my love

a cup of coffee  
i'll never leave your side  
you're mine  
i'll stick with you till the end of the line  
please don't mind   
this nonsense rhyme  
i'll forever love you  
with all my heart  
for i, cannot keep you apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what sort of caffeine addiction propaganda is this


	4. old shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> issa challenge by my friends

i sigh as the soles of my shoes fall apart  
so tattered and torn  
so ragged and forlorn

ive worn these shoes everywhere  
the mart, your house and even the fair  
over the years i've received many stares  
but i still wear this old pair

come walk a mile in my old shoes  
what will happen tomorrow knows who?  
all that i know is true  
is this feeling in me when i see you


	5. glasses

i cannot think clearly  
i cannot see clearly  
everything was foggy before  
i needed you so dearly  
and then you came into my life  
like a lifeboat  
i hang onto you for support  
only because of you i float  
in the morning you're the first thing i need  
i'm hooked onto you like a smoker to weed  
so help me please  
i've got this disease  
and you're the only one who can  
put me at ease


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do not read this if in a bad mood THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION

i wanna stop holding on  
why do i even bother  
to think about everyone  
when nobody cares

i should probably just run away  
but i dont want to   
i dont want to give in  
not just yet

what am i waiting for  
am i testing how far is too far  
how much is too much  
what does it take it tip me off the edge  
the edge i cling on to for dear life

i am not afraid to look what lurks beyond the edge  
some take a peek every now and then  
i just dont want to  
i want it to be a surprise  
the mystery of the edge maybe?

you are given birth  
you are told its "gifted"  
is it really?  
humanity was a mistake   
a miracle of science perhaps  
you are not special  
neither am i   
nobody is  
i am not afraid to look what lurks beyond the edge  
you shouldnt be too

repeat after me  
i am not afraid  
i am not afraid  
i am not afraid

i am just waiting  
waiting for the day i feel alright  
waiting for the day others finally treat me right  
waiting to see what will tip me off the edge  
the same edge i cling on to for dear life  
and one day ill finally let go  
and to be honest  
i cant wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow,,,,,okay,,,,so i was in a pretty shit mood last night and i typed my feelings out and slept off after writing this so,,,,,,dont take this poem(?) seriously because i talk about how "you are not special" WHEN THAT IS NOT THE CASE!!1! YOU ARE SPECIAL AND YOU ARE 100% VALID I LOVE YOU AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO YOU I LOVE YOU YOU ARE THE PUREST LIL FLUFFY THING AND IF I COULD I WOULD GIVE YOU A BIG FAT HUG RN ILYILYILYILY


	7. lifeless

i wanna feel something  
live on the edge  
go out, get drunk  
and possibly rebel  
but today  
as i looked into the face of death itself  
i felt so lifeless  
like i wasn't scared  
i stared into it's eyes  
knowing my end is near  
even felt the chills up my spine  
but my nerves were so calm   
ever so rhythmic   
maybe for the first time i felt  
just fine

i felt so lifeless  
like i wasn't scared  
it was as if it was inviting me  
into it's dark abyss  
and i knew it would be painful  
but i wanted to feel something  
anything  
anything at all  
and in that moment  
all that i could think about was how   
i'd finally feel so much pain all at once  
and then feel nothing at all


	8. two deranged souls

"stone cold  
statue still   
embrace this moment  
it's your last kill."  
his eyes shone a bright crimson  
as he slit her throat in a swift, fluid motion.  
his blade, dripped with the last of her  
as she collapsed on the ground  
knowing well that, to hell she was bound  
she had sported a wide grin on her face  
the same face, full of deceit and lies  
nothing but pure evil in those dead, green eyes  
but he didn't feel complete  
had he not achieved his feat?  
a promise to the gods gone wrong  
to give her the kiss of death  
and take her last breath,   
he had waited for so long.  
and then something inside of him snapped  
his mind of a psychopath   
couldn't deal with the aftermath  
he surrendered to his will  
she was wrong  
he was his own last kill  
lovers through time  
partners in crime  
as their lore came to a close  
people showed absolutely no remorse  
after all,  
in this world so cold  
there is no place for two deranged souls.


	9. glassy sky

shatter  
my broken pieces scatter  
blood stained hands  
unexplored lands  
not a trace of who i used to be  
couldnt you see?  
the world isnt kind  
the world is what is wrong  
to live is to devour  
in search of that power  
i bid goodbye  
with a longing sigh  
to those who i loved  
  
you  
its you who i wanted to protect  
your eyes   
your smile  
your life  
like a soft caress  
or a mother's lullaby  
left it all behind  
only for you to find  
my broken pieces  
gone was the person you once knew  
and somewhere along the line  
i forgot who i belonged to  
guess i should've known the answer was you  
i wont see you cry  
because when you look up with one watery eye  
all you see above is the glassy sky


	10. Chapter 10

touka ends up at haise's. makes coffee. slow dances. cute smluff goes down. fuck yues. make it funny bitch. the rushh thing. t

This was a bad, bad idea.

This situation was exactly what Yomo had warned her about.

'Don't get close to Haise- it's too dangerous.' 

But bad habits die hard.

It wasn't her fault that she told Haise that she'd lost her apartment keys. She was getting close to him just so that she'd know what the CCG was up to and definitely NOT because she wanted to be in close proximity of him. Obviously.

But being with him made her feel safe. Not that she required any protection, but just being around him- she was happier. 

She remembered the scariest part of her life- the time when she didn't have any information about him. Was he alive? Was he dead?  
This period of uncertainity used to drive her mad. She missed him so much. So, so much.

She remembered the day she first got some news about him. That he had lost his memories and that he was a CCG investigator now. Much to others' surprise, her happiness knew no bounds. At the least, he was alive and breathing. It didn't matter if she couldn't be with him- just as long as he's alive.

And she will never forget the day when he first walked in her cafe and they made eye contact. It was like a ghost had walked in. And for a moment there, she thought that all of his memories had returned to him. It was almost as if their separation had no meaning anymore. As if they were meant to be and literally couldn't stay apart even if they wanted to. As if they would return to each other even in their subsequent lives. Because no matter what, they were the perfect pair and no force of nature could drive them apart.

His visits to her cafe got more frequent, and before she could even realise what was happening, they were friends. He'd visit :re almost everyday and rant about his work and his squad. And on the other days, the silent ones, he'd come in and read books. It had become a ritual as that point. 

He never had to tell what he wanted, because she already knew. Scalding hot Black coffee. And sometimes, she'd slide a Sen Takatsuki book with it too.

Walking in the rain, Touka moved her now- wet hair from her face to look at him. The man walking beside her was cracking jokes about his work, letting a laugh escape from his mouth every now and then. 

This man. 

Who was he anyway? 

Haise noticed her gaze and paused, mid-laugh. "Everything alright?"

Touka hadn't realised she was smiling at Haise, admiring his blonde curls and his perfect laugh. It was almost painful to watch the love of her life be next to her, knowing that they'll never be together.

'I'm such a fool for letting my guard down.' She thought.

Haise wasn't Kaneki. 

"You remind me of an idiot I once knew."

"I know who you're talking about." He said quietly, realising the weight of the topic. "Tell me about him?"

Touka chuckled. "He certainly wasn't the type to get me wet in the rain.." She eyed him playfully. "..Just saying!"

Haise slumped a little and tapped his chest. "Ouch, that hurt right here, Touka-chan."

Touka smiled and pulled his tie. "You're the one to say."

Haise stopped for a moment and looked at her. _Really_ looked at her, and all he could think of was: How could someone be so beautiful?  
He admired everything about her. Her big blue eyes that stared back at him whenever they talked. And Her luscious coffee stained lips that he looked at endlessly whenever she wasn't noticing. One glance at her and he'd be weak again. Seeing her made his heart twinge and ache so much because wanted to make her his own. But he really needed to keep his feelings in check. Or else...

Or else he'd fall in love with her.

And that would suck because Touka was already someone else's. Her heart belonged to _him_ , not Haise.

They walked till his house in silence. It wasn't strained or uneasy, but natural. Just two drenched people with an acute thirst for each other.

Touka felt her blouse stick to her skin as she rubbed her hands together.  
'Why are you at his place?' She questioned herself. Unsure with the answer, she looked at Haise who was fumbling with his house keys as the cold wind blew around them.

After a few unsuccessful tries, the door to his home unlocked and they were immediately greeted by the warmth inside; like a cup of hot chocolate on a winter day.

Haise removed his coat and rushed elsewhere while Touka looked around his house. It was cozy and strangely enough, homely. She hadn't noticed it when he returned with a change of clothes and a thick towel in hand and wrapped it around her. She gazed at him with gratitude in her droopy eyes as he ruffled his wet hair with a smile.

"Let's get you out of those clothes." He said, innocently enough. 

Had it not realised what he had just said?

Touka giggled. "Getting desperate, are we?" She played with his tie again, a habit she'd developed unknowingly.

Haise bit his lip as he had realised what he'd just said. Did he just-?

He lowered his voice and leaned in. "Between the two of us, it's you who's more desperate- because you're the one who's staying over tonight."

Touka hadn't realised that she was playing with his tie, which just caused him to get closer to her. Her droopy eyes had a darker emotion now; a more intense one. She shivered as his hands tucked a few strands of her wet hair behind her ear. His fingers, trailing along her skin, tickling her and inciting a raging fire inside of her. His eyes, flickering from hers to her lips. She noticed that he had bit his lip, almost like he was focused on something- like an art student admiring a masterpiece. He was too taken aback to move, So all he could do was cherish the moment. He felt a sudden shift in himself It drove them both crazy that the other's face was so close to their's. One more move to close the deal and-

Touka dropped the tie and cleared her throat. She snatched the clothes that he had brought for her and said, "I'm getting so cold. Where do I change?" which caused him to motion to one of the rooms.

He stood there, frozen. What was he thinking leaning in like that? It wasn't in his place to do that. Touka didn't like him, no. Her heart belonged to someone else. Someone way better than him. Someone who didn't get her drenched in the rain. Someone who truly made her days and nights. Someone that wasn't Haise.

Touka splashed her face with water. She shuddered as regret flooded through her veins. Had she not dropped the tie, they would have been kissing right now, something that she had yearned for so long. She stripped off her clothes, dried herself and wore the shirt given to her. She felt her Ghoul senses tingling as she wore it. Smelled exactly like him. It was a oversized but still perfect for her. She saw the pants he had given her but since the shirt almost reached her knees, she decided to skip them anyway.

As Touka stepped out in nothing but a shirt, the smell of something delicious wafted to her nose.

"Coffee?" Haise smiled sheepishly, motioning to the cups on the countertop.

Touka smiled back. "I'm the customer now, huh?"

She sat on the opposite side of the counter but as she inched forward to reach the cup, he immediately moved it with a playful glint in his eye.

"You're such a brat." Touka shook her head.

She got up and walked to the opposite side where he stood, a smug grin on his face as he moved them further away.

"To get to that, you have to get through me, Touka-chan."

And she did exactly that. She leaped forward, toppling over Haise as to reach the cup but he blocked her and dodged her hand. 

The position that they lay in now was uncomfortable, to say the least.

The pair had shut their eyes, holding each other tightly as to protect the other from the impact. As Touka finally registered the image in her head, she remembered a similar image from years ago.

_Shades of pink and orange coloured the sky; It looked more vibrant than ever now that he was back...Unsure as to what she would do once she did see him...Running through the streets looking for him, calling out his name. Was she late? Was she really never gonna see him again?...The fateful bridge...A mop of blonde hair...Screaming at him...Crying...He'd left Anteiku, left her behind...On top of him, questioning her feelings...The kiss...Running away...Unable to turn around...Regret..._

__

__

_Him._

_Kaneki._

_Why did he have to turn out like this?_

_Why Indeed._

She had pretended all this time that she was happy with just him being alive. POINT ADD lying to self

Haise slowly opened his eyes, only to find his arms clutched firmly around Touka's waist. He could feel her hot breath on the side of his neck. He dared not move for if he did so, this perfect picture would be ruined. But this position felt all too similar. His thoughts and feelings overpowered him as he tried to recollect. His inner thoughts were eating away at what was left of him. He unlocked his hands from Touka's waist and cupped her face gently with his cold hands. He gazed into her big blue eyes as he tried to study them. He wanted to know what was going on in her head. He felt himself lose control as his inner self took over.

The next thing he knew, his lips were mere inches away from her's.

Touka blinked at the sight before her. She felt her breath get hitchy and irregular as she realised the situation they were in. But this time, she had no second thoughts. After all, she couldn't keep lying to herself anymore. She wasn't ready to go through the painful process of regret. _Not again._ She was willing to risk losing Haise to bring back Kaneki. She took a deep breath in as she closed her eyes and brushed her lips with his slowly.

Something snapped inside of him. He felt jolts of electricity run through his body, activating each cell in his body. He felt a surge of power in him as could finally see.

See the flashes of imagery from years ago, all of his memories rushing back to him; From the beginning till the end. 

_A little boy reading his dead father's books. An overworked mother abusing him, only to leave him in the end. A coffee shop. A pretty ghoul. An accident. Becoming a ghoul. Touka._

__

__

_Touka._

Was this a new beginning? A new chance at life where he did everything right?

Or was this his end? 

They say you can see your life flashing by your eyes when you die, but as this happened to him, he'd never felt more alive.

Was Touka his saviour? His trigger? The one he needed all along to come back to life?

He was back.

Kaneki was back.

And he was sick of dreaming.

\---incase i decide to do a two chapter thing.---

He breathed in as he kissed back. It was a soft peck on her lips, just enough to clear her doubts.

"Touka." He murmured. "I remember."

"I remember everything now." He repeated.

Touka stopped breathing, tears welled up in her wide eyes. "...K-Kaneki..?"

Kaneki grabbed her chin with one hand and gently wiped her tears with the other. "Ssh." He cooed. "I'm here now." 

Touka was startled by the sudden chain of events and was not sure what had happened; But her heart was breaking every second that she was away from Kaneki. 

She batted his hand away from her face. "No. No you aren't." He blinked. "Because you are going to leave me behind again and then you're never gonna come back."

"I'm back, Touka. And I'm never, ever, ever gonna leave you again." His hand reached out to her and grazed her cheek. "I promise."

She peered through the hair on her face as she let the words escape her mouth.

"Prove it."

Kaneki immediately kissed her. This time, with burning passion and urgency. Touka didn't hesitate to respond with the same intensity. The earlier kiss was short and sweet, but now they both needed each other; They had been waiting for so long to do this. It felt amazing for the both of them to be so close to each other and to be able to feel their lover. 

giggle  
TUMBLE  
look at each other wanting to chumma  
but haise bitch says that kaneki loves her and he has no right and that he will wait for that day when he gets his memories back and becomes kaneki again to be w touka  
She needed to close the space. She needed him. touka remains silent. hair on face. asks if haise does  
haise says yes  
cue kiss  
passion  
fervent  
wall sex  
forgotten coffees

'But I'm your brat.' A thought popped up in Haise's mind. He paused for a moment. He knew he hadn't thought of it. Was that _his_ doing?


	11. helpless

i wish i could do something

pull you in an embrace  
drop a cheeky praise  
just to put a smile on your face  
end your worries and  
take you to a safe 'someplace'  
on the back of my hand you trace  
little patterns as i brace  
this feeling in me

_helpless_

sorry, i'm such a mess

you start to pace  
down the hall  
i know your heart beats fast  
as if in a race  
i try to figure out different ways  
to help you out of this maze  
but all i see is this confusing haze  
why can't i wake up from this daze?

i'm helpless  
i hate this feeling in me  
puts me down, i have to fess  
i hate being so helpless

it sucks i can't do anything to help you  
but i just wished you were fully happy too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this a while back when a friend told me about something she'd been through. it truly blows my mind that there are so many people around us who secretly go through shit all by themselves and suffer in silence and yet we choose to ignore that and focus on other pointless things like that boy who didn't text you back or that girl who said something about you the other day. i called them pointless because it is not going to matter in a few days; you will always find new problems to dwell on. hardships will continue to rock your path. but its in your hands whether you want to pay attention to that and let yourself be shaken by it or be a pillar of strength and learn how to be there for someone when they arent on their highest points.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> um if anyone can tell me why i wrote this it'd be great thx

bleed  
sink em it in  
metal in your mouth  
crimson in your soul  
fizzle sizzle  
hot and thick  
devour it all  
no limit


End file.
